I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
