I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
