rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
