drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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