i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
