oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
