This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
