...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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