someone threw a dead crab at me
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
