1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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