3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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