if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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