So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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