so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
