I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
