My liver just broke up with me...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
