are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
