saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
