Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
