So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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