Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
