I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
