maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
