explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
