He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
