Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
