I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
