3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
