The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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