omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
