Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
