Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
