I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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