she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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