Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
