So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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