Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Sober January is a disaster.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
