Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If its not for food we ain't going out.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
