Your face is a jimmy john
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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