Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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