She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
