anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
