I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
