Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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