My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
