i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
