I wish I could teleport
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
