I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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