dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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