I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
